Dear Jill:
It was good to talk with you and I am honored that you would ask for my ideas on how to parent your child. You said,"This will be our first and we want to start off right." First of all, let me say that you and Tom are the kind of parents every child needs and I can't imagine you doing a poor job. In fact, much of what I am about to say will simply support what you already know.
When you bring a new human being into the world your first job is to make them know they are welcome. From the first day and throughout life your children will need to know that you truly want them. This is love in its purest form. Express it in caring for their needs; especially by responding to their need for attention.
Keep them busy. If you pay attention they will show you the things they are interested in. A hundred and one projects will keep catch their interest and you can share in everything beginning with the colorful mobiles above the baby bed to the rocking horse,their feedings, and rattles. Later they graduate to balls, dolls, go-carts,computers, pets, flowers, insects, card games, cooking, washing dishes, vacuuming, car washing, home work, drawing, grooming, parties, dating, and a host of other things until they become engaged, marry and move on. When they share their family events they will remind you of the scenes of parenthood so familiar that the memory of them brings tears to your eyes.
Keep them mentally healthy. Do this by teaching them to think and act positively. A positive view of life does not depend on outward circumstances because the world is not always fair and is never perfect. A positive view comes from within because one is strong enough to take the ups and downs of life and keep a steady course. We seem to have produced a rather large crop of folks who profess to be victims of the times. Teach your young people that they are made of sterner stuff; that wimping out is not a state of being but simply a bad choice.
Respect them. No two human beings are alike and it is evident that the Lord wanted each of us to develop the unique nature He gave us. Your job is to guide them in the development of who they are. It would be a mistake to try to change the nature of our children because, first of all, it doesn't work; secondly, when we try to change another person we try to make them in our own image; thirdly, when we try to change another person what we get is a distorted image, and, finally, we are never satisfied with our handiwork.
Keep them respectable. This calls for family rules; rules that are practical, fair, clear and promote a decent life style. It is likely that your children will test the boundaries and you will need to hang tough. Make it clear that these are family rules-the family they are a part of- and not subject to change because the community might be practicing something different.
Keep them informed. Your children will ask questions and they deserve answers. They will want to know about everything including the nature of God and your love life. They will need to know about family's finances and why buying all the things they might want is not possible. They will need to know by demonstration how you and Tom settle your differences. Try and confine your answers to their specific questions. One little boy asked his mother how a woman could have a baby. When she began to explain how the father planted the seed in his wife the little guy stopped her with "But I didn't ask you about that."
Turn them loose-with your blessing when they are ready to go. To hang on when they are grown sends them the message that they are not mature enough to face the world without you or that you are not mature enough to give up your parenting role. The way to avoid the empty nest syndrome is for you and Tom to develop such a satisfactory relationship that it does not require others, not even your own children. It may sound strange but the child who has to pull away generally cuts off his home ties whereas the one who leaves with his parents blessing keeps in touch and comes home often. Moral: If you hold on to them you lose them; if you turn them lose you keep them.
We love you two very much,
Grandad and Grandmother
©Copyright 1997 Dr. Stanley Watson and VideComp, Inc.
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"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace..." Isaiah 52:7.