Dear Jim and Faye:
I am very conscious of the trust you placed in me when you asked me to help you decide whether to continue your marriage or get a divorce. My advice; forget about divorce and work on your fair to poor relationship until it becomes good to great. If you think learning how to do this is impossible, you are wrong. Here is how it is done by well adjusted couples: (They are no more moral nor intelligent than unhappy couples, they have only found a better way to communicate).
1. ASSUME A POSITIVE ATTITUDE. This happens when you stop blaming each other and start supporting each other, especially during the tough times.
Blaming is based on a false idea of cause and effect. The fact is, in relationships, there is a circular effect. For example, Faye says or does something that bugs Jim, he reacts with a negative comment and she defends herself by attacking him and when he responds in kind they have a full blown argument going. Many couples go through this cycle over and over again. To break the anger cycle they must learn to give a positive instead of a negative response. Here is how:
2. PRACTICE GOOD COMMUNICATION. You will know when this is happening because you respectfully listen to each other and your conversations are friendly and satisfying.
Here is how your conversation will need to go:
Adjust your face to a pleasant expression-Go ahead, you can do it!
Make friendly eye contact.
Speak in a calm voice.
Express your ideas and feelings in a friendly manner.
Take it for granted you will be heard.
Listen respectfully to your mate.
Accept the fact that it is O K to disagree-but not to argue.
Negotiate your differences until you reach an acceptable decision.
If you both practice these simple rules I can guarantee a better relationship and a happier home life. In fact, I'll go further and say if just one of you starts practicing these rules your relationship will become much better. I'll even predict a bonus for your efforts; your children will become more cooperative and positive at home. You don't need to kill your marriage and try and find another person as a mate and another place to call home. The answer to your problem is in your grasp. By all means change your negative cycle of conflict into a positive cycle of cooperation and the result will be miraculous.
Much depends upon your decision to fix your marriage. Both of you have said you love each other and I am optimistic that your relationship will grow and flourish. My greatest concern is for your children because they are inclined to follow the pattern set by their parents. If you decide to stay together and build a healthy relationship, they will love you for your example, and their children will love them for their example as the cycle continues.
I am aware that I have not really given you anything that you did not already know; simply a reminder of how it works. I pray that the rest of your married life will be richer and happier than you could have dreamed.
Sincerely Yours,
Stanley Watson
©Copyright 1998 Dr. Stanley Watson and VideComp, Inc.
Other columns by Dr.
Watson...
"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace..." Isaiah 52:7.